OMG!

After feeling a little bit 'off' over the weekend, I woke up on Wednesday and decided I would do a pregnancy test. It was the 18th May, and Nug was away on camp. I really didn't expect anything to show up because a) we hadn't really been trying, b) my body was just returning to normal after stopping breast feeding a few months ago, and c) it was still very early on for a test to detect anything if I was, in fact, pregnant. My period wasn't due for another week.

But, lo and behold, a faint line appeared straight away! I absoloutely could not (and still can't!) believe it. I called Nug straight away and he was just as shocked, surprised, and excited as I was.

Needless to say, I've done a few more tests since then, and the line has gotten darker and darker as the due date for my period came and went. According to my LMP, the baby is due on the 1st February.

This is the latest test, very dark and unmistakeable now!

We have an appointment on the 8th June with Dr Katayama, and that chair, to see our growing little bean and its flickering heart.

I can't believe we are going through all of this again! It's a little daunting to think we will have two under 20 months old, but we're excited to expand our little family, and give Billy a little brother or sister.

Since the moment I found out that we are having another baby, I have felt somewhat guilty. It's difficult to explain and sounds quite ridiculous, but I don't want Billy to think that I don't love him as much anymore, and that we needed someone else to fulfil our lives. I ended up coming across this little story, which makes me cry every time I read it, but it's so beautiful, I just have to share it.

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him, as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you – as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you – only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.

I love you – both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.

Author Unknown